I Definitely Don't Love Nanoha!
by hellsespada1
Summary: What do you get when you cross Nanofate, an ill-conceived project, and an insane author? This piece of crack right here. There'll be smut, science, stupidity, and a decent amount of characters rearranging the story. You have been warned. Guest starring (and overthrown by) the Yagami household.


**A/N: Nanoha Birthday Bundle part 5! This is the end of the road! Welcome everyone who made it this far. Some of you may recognise this as a story I promised awhile back. I said it would be a crack fic. I like to think that I succeeded. This piece was so freaking stupid to write that it quickly became one of my favorites xD But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.**

**Warnings: Contains a short Yagami threesome with a bit of analingus.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha, but I would like to say one thing… HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANOHA!**

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**I Definitely Don't Love Nanoha!**

"Master Hayate, is there any particular reason that Rein and Agito are trying to summon a thunder storm in the living room...?" The pinkette asked, peering back over her shoulder in the direction of the two she had just passed, before finally turning to bear witness to the spectacle that awaited her. "And what in the hell have you done?"

She spoke in regards to the appearance of the kitchen, or at least what should have been the kitchen. Now it was all a dank shade of grey, appearing larger than it should, and every counter top was strewn with books, bottles, beakers, jars, a plethora of objects that shouldn't have been there. All except one empty table in the center, a large slab of stone about the size of a small bed. No sooner had she begun to scan over the room than all the lights went out and the only illumination came from the bolts of lightning that struck from the darkened room behind her, accompanied by a clap of thunder and Hayate extending her arms to announce...

"Welcome... to my laboratory!" The thunder clap echoed off the walls a moment longer.

Signum stared at her master, eyes unblinking without any indication of what she was thinking. "Do I need to get Nanoha-san to cool your head a bit?"

"What, and put me back in a wheelchair? That seems a bit excessive doesn't it?" The brunette waved her hand in front of her face dismissively. "It's not like I'm up to anything evil."

"Then what _are_ you up to?" She questioned, folding her arms and tapping her foot impatiently.

"SCIENCE!"

"...I'm calling her."

"Whoawhoawhoawhoa! Easy there! It's not evil, I swear!"

The sheer amount of arm flailing convinced the knight she was telling the truth. "Fine. Then what is it?"

"Just a harmless little experiment. A simple point of curiosity really." The brunette folded her hands in a feigned innocence.

"And I'm assuming you want something from me." Signum swore she heard Hayate let out a soft, but evil chuckle.

"Vita! Show our subject to the examination table please!"

"Yes, Master!" The russet replied as she walked over to Signum in a goofy hunched over fashion, looking perfectly amused with herself.

"What exactly do you plan on examining?!" She said defensively, although she had already willingly sat on the table. "Just because you're my master doesn't mean I won't destroy you if I have to... and what did you do to the kitchen anyway!?" The thunder and lightning crashed in the other room again as she said that and the additional light gave her another moment to scan over the room which had become akin to a medieval castle strewn with items from a chemistry lab.

"Excellent, Signum! That is what we're after! That... is... tsundere!" She paused dramatically, but nothing happened and she shrugged after a few moments. "Oh and don't worry about the kitchen. It's just an illusion." Another thunder clap. Hayate glanced back over her shoulder and mumbled. "I need to have a word with those girls about their timing..."

"Master, we must proceed with the experiment." Vita said from her hunched position at Hayate's side.

The brunette snapped to abruptly. "But of course you're right! Science waits for no-one!"

"Wait just a damn minute!"

"What did I just say about science and waiting?!"

"I don't give a damn!" The pinkette said. "There's no way I'm gonna be some kind of test subject! What are you trying to pull?!"

"Pull..." Hayate had her eyes downcast before snapping them to the sky and barring clutching fingers. "I'm trying to pull out your very essence!"

Whap!

Signum's palm left a nice mark on her cheek and redirected her gaze all the way to the pony-tailed russet at her side.

"Take note of that."

"Yes, Master." Vita replied.

"That's it, I'm out of here!" Signum said, rising from the illusion-stone table with every intent of storming out.

"Sit, Signum!" Hayate called quickly, not looking away from the words Vita was jotting down.

The pinkette immediately returned to the table. Hayate regarded this in passing at first and then turned her attention to the woman, looking apologetic.

"No, I'm sorry, that's not right. Of course you don't have to do what I say if you're that against it."

"No, I'm... just sitting because I want to."

Hayate nodded. "Of course. So why did you hit me?"

"You deserved it."

"Is that all?"

"What other reason would I have?" Signum knit her eyebrows.

"Because it's me?" The pinkette stared at her, not understanding. "Maybe you just like to hit me?"

"I do. Especially when you deserve it."

"Maybe you like to hit just me?"

"That's the same thing..." Signum's voice dropped off at her master's approach.

Hayate placed a hand on each of her stocking-clad legs, barely sliding her finger tips under the hem of the pinkette's form-fitting skirt.

"What?" Signum asked the dark, azure orbs that were locked on her face.

"Can I kiss you, Signum?"

"Ehhh?!"

"I can't?"

"It's... not like you can't." She found it easier to look at the newly stone wall instead.

"I don't want to force you."

"Geez! Just do what you want."

"Excellent! Vita, leave the room!"

"What?! How come?!"

"Because," Hayate said as she turned towards her, "a lot of adult things are about to happen and I don't want you to see them."

"What exactly do you think you're going to manage?" Signum said with a rising note of anger in her voice.

"Oh, sure!" The russet threw her hands into the air. "It's not like I spent an entire night fucking her with a fancy dildo! I'm _far_ too innocent for this!"

"Wait, did you really? When?!" Hayate looked rapidly between the two of them, clearly never having read that piece.

Signum stared hard at the little girl. "I don't..." But the color quickly rose to her face as she too had the memory of that night written into this story.

"I didn't realise that was in the same timeline..." She mumbled.

The author assured her that it was.

"Oh. W...we only did it with you in mind..." Hayate's mouth fell open at that. "W-wait! That didn't come out right!"

"And I missed it!? This is the second potential threesome that I didn't get written into!"

"Technically, the one you're supposed to get hasn't even been written yet." Vita shrugged, quickly becoming the source of omniscience in this ridiculous story.

Hayate began more or less yelling madly at a corner of the ceiling. "Listen up, you out there! Yeah, on the computer! You better make this a threesome right now or I'll strangle you!"

The author, inexplicably fearing an imaginary strangling (and essentially just holding a lonely conversation on a page), agreed to meet her demands.

And then they fucked! It was pretty hot. Totally a threesome.

Hayate was a bit too mad to speak and even Signum looked rather disappointed with those words. "You're just being mean to her now aren't you? Well, that's my job. Come on, Hell. You can do a bit better than that. And Master never gets to be in anything fun."

Yuuno was about to make a comment from the side, but the author pushed him off-screen because he had no part in this story.

Alright, alright! You win! Just shut up so I can make this stupid thing look respectable again.

"Exactly how respectable is smut?" Vita mumbled.

Ignoring you! Let's see, kiss... kiss... ah! Here we go...

Hayate leaned her weight on the pinkette's legs and stretched over to meet her lips. The first peck was placed upon them, but the next brought her tongue against them as well and, without drawing back, it worked its way between her lips and up to her teeth. The brunette busied herself with licking them for a moment as she slid the taller woman forward on the table so that their hips met. She tried once more to shimmy her tight skirt up her legs, with little success, and Signum shuddered at feeling the cold table through her legs.

Signum pulled away from their kiss with a cute, flustered face. "Master Hayate, you're a dummy. This isn't comfortable... and the mood is all wrong!" She gestured with one hand to the ancient-dungeon-like room around them.

"I thought you might say that. Which is why we were prepared! On my cue, Vita."

The russet nodded and raised her hands. Together they clapped twice and two things happened. First, the room was transformed from the lab of a mad scientist into a simple, lowly lit bedroom with a few pieces of the usual wood furniture and a giant bed in the middle that Signum now sat upon. And there she sat in a new outfit, her everyday clothes gone, having been replaced by a maid outfit with a bit of frill and a decent amount of zettai ryouiki. This was due to how short a skirt it was and when she turned to look, she could easily see her bottom sticking out, framed by her stark white thighhighs and matching panties.

Vita and Hayate still wore the same clothes which they quickly began to discard, underwear and all, to get straight to the fun. They got an eyeful of Signum's tantalizing ass and nearly lost it when she raised her left hand to her mouth to bite a finger and blush madly without meeting their eyes.

"At... at least be gentle with me..."

Vita was the first to spring over and tackle her. "Waah! Sig-chan looks incredibly cute in that!"

Her blush filled up to her ears.

"Sig-chan?" Hayate asked as she crawled to the center of the bed to meet them.

"Yup yup! She just loves it when you call her that." The russet proceeded to start kissing and sucking at the woman's neck.

"It-it's not like I care what you call me!" She aimed towards the brunette.

Hayate simply smirked and crawled right up to her ear. "Is that so... Sig-chan?" She bit her ear.

Signum whimpered and stuffed her hands between her legs. "Oh?" The russet took notice. "What's going on down here? Have you gotten wet, Signum?"

"Like I would...!" She groaned, trying to fight off the hand that Hayate worked up her skirt.

Her efforts were in vain and the brunette's hand met with her panties with an audible squish. She rubbed her fingers up and down the pinkette's slit, feeling the moisture spreading. Signum wasn't talking back anymore.

"I said... do what you want..." Was the last thing she managed before her words were replaced by sweet moans of pleasure.

Vita had since opened her shirt and begun licking every inch of her breasts, stopping briefly to kiss Hayate who was trailing kisses down from the woman's ear. By the time the brunette got to her sodden panties, Vita had both of Signum's nipples standing hard and at attention. The little girl continued licking and pinching them as her master slipped the panties aside and gave their maid a well-deserved lick.

"Haaaaaaahhnn... Master that... that place is dirty..."

"It's not. It's Sig-chan's so it's fine. And it tastes so strongly of you." She peered up into the pinkette's strained face as she spoke between licks. "What's wrong? Already about to cum?" She nodded, biting her lip. "It's fine. Go ahead and give it to me..."

Signum cried out loudly as she shook in Vita's arms. She returned the girl's embrace as the spasms shot waves of pussy juice into her master's waiting mouth.

She allowed the taste to fill her mouth before she swallowed it, and dawned a very naughty smile. "Perfect, Sig-chan. That's exactly what we need. The essence... of tsundere! I probably shouldn't have drank it, huh? But I couldn't resist. Oh well. Vita? Switch with me. You're on collection detail."

Signum went along with their schemes without question, currently still panting a good deal. "Sure, sure. And what are you gonna do?"

"Are you kidding? I never get to be in these things. I wanna get licked too..." She knelt over Signum's chest, just inches from her face. "Will you please, Sig-chan?"

The woman didn't look up at her, only motioned for her to scoot up further so she could reach with her tongue. Just before she got to work, she whispered, "I will... because it's Master..."

Vita slipped two fingers into the pinkette as she began her licking, and marveled at the way her hips would bounce whenever the digits curled up into her. A few minutes of this went by until the little girl decided she didn't want to be left out of the fun they were having. She made sure Signum's panties were well out of the way before she slid up between her legs and lifted one foot over. She continued sliding forward until their pussy lips kissed and quickly got to rocking her hips in a rhythm.

"Are you enjoying yourself... Master?" Not that Hayate was particularly present in mind to answer. The tongue working through her pussy had done a pretty good number on her cognition. "Allow me to help too..."

Stretching forward, the little russet took hold of Hayate's hips and spread the cheeks of her ass apart. She slipped her wet muscle into the brunette's ass and listened to her moans rise an octave. Hayate had no idea how good the two of them would be, but it was way more than she expected. She was approaching her limit fast and the other girls were following close behind.

Signum was the first to go over and her franticly thrusting hips brought Vita with her. The two of them released muffled moans into their master whose holes began to spasm and clench tightly on their tongues, finishing their trifecta of orgasms. Vita pulled away to bottle the juices that dripped from Signum's pussy and Hayate took a shaky seat on the pinkette's lap. They spent a few minutes getting themselves together and slipping their clothes back on and then Vita handed the phial to Hayate, who accepted it with a wide grin.

"And now with this distilled essence of tsundere, I will... take over the world!" The lightning was on cue this time.

Vita shook her head and a liquid from her hand. "That's never going to work. And why do we still have lightning in a normal bedroom?"

"You're right..." Hayate was sullen for only a moment. "Well, I guess I'll just test it on Fate-chan!"

"On Testarossa? Why would you do that?" Signum was still on the bed, trying to clean herself up.

"Because I think it'll be hilarious. What will Nanoha do when faced with a super tsundere Fate? Science must know! Off to school!"

"HOLD IT!" Signum stopped her from charging straight out the door. "It's just now Thursday evening. You don't have school for several hours!"

The short-haired brunette looked deflated. "Awww... but I wanna!"

"It doesn't work that way!"

Vita was content to lean back against a dresser and watch them argue. She took a good look around for the first time. "Is this really still the kitchen...?"

"...or does it?" Hayate stood on her tiptoes peering up into the corner she had cursed earlier and noticed a spot where the page was folded back.

Through the little opening she spied the words 'The next day at school...' that the author had prepared for a later scene.

"Quickly!" Hayate jumped into the air and started looking wildly around. "I need something... a grappling hook!"

"Why would we have a grappling hook?" Vita nonchalantly asked.

"Why wouldn't we have a grappling hook?!"

Signum rolled her eyes, finally having her shirt back in place and covering her breasts. She spoke with a thick amount of sarcasm. "You think if you just keep saying grappling hook that one will simply appear?"

And it did, because the author couldn't stop thinking about grappling hooks.

"Brilliant!"

Armed with her stupidly convenient piece of equipment, Hayate got a rope onto the words and gave a mighty tug. They didn't quite budge.

"Master! You don't have any idea what'll hap...!"

She tugged again and everything went black.

000000

The next day at school...

"I'm a genius!" Hayate announced, cutting off the voice-over.

Hey! Can't you at least let me do my job?!

"Not now! I can see Fate coming this way... Good thing Nanoha isn't with her yet. Hey Fate! Over here!"

Hayate was outside the front of the school with her usual bad intentions. After peering around the courtyard a bit, she located Fate, thankfully without Nanoha at her side, and quickly called her over.

Fine. Do it your way.

"I will!"

"You'll what?" Fate asked, walking up to her.

"Oh nothing, nothing at all! How are you this morning, Fate?" Hayate batted her eyelashes in innocence.

"I'm fine. Hayate, do you have something in your eye?"

"Just a twitch. Say, are you thirsty, Fate-chan?" The brunette produced a water bottle from her bag. It probably didn't contain water.

Fate looked between it and the girl. She shook her head. "No. Thank you, though. Have you seen Nanoha?"

The brunette flung the bottle over her shoulder and reached for something else. "Thankfully not... Oh, you must try these cookies Vita made yesterday!"

"Sorry, I'm not really hungry either."

"Not even for cake?" Hayate offered again after the cookies had gone the way of the bottle.

"No, really I'm fine. Where are you getting all these things?"

Hayate shrugged. "It's a fanfiction. I can do whatever I want." She haphazardly tossed the cake as well.

But Fate didn't hear her, because we can't have everyone be stark raving mad.

"Oh look, there's Nanoha." The brunette pointed off in the distance, one hand stuffed in her bag.

"Really? Where?"

The moment Fate had turned away, Hayate pulled out a needle and slammed it into the blonde's arm. Amazing how nobody else ever notices these things. I mean, it's a school. There's gotta be more than just these three characters.

"OWW! What the hell was that, Hayate?!" Fate rubbed at the tender spot on her arm and glared at her shorter friend.

To her confusion, the girl no longer seemed shorter. Her very form seemed to be a dark shadow that bent over Fate with sinister intent, emitting dark force in waves. Her voice was oddly gruff. "I've just administered the most potent virus known to all of mankind. It will spread throughout your body in mere moments and change your very being!" She hacked several times and her voice returned to normal. "That was weird... actually, it's not quite as bad as that. It'll certainly be amusing though. Especially where Nanoha is concerned... Ufufufu!"

"And what makes you think I won't just tell Nanoha what you've done?!" The blonde shook her head at the strange feeling she couldn't quite place, still rubbing at her arm.

Hayate looked sideways at her. "Hmmm... I suppose you can try."

It was at that time that Nanoha finally did stroll up and noticed Fate rubbing intently at a spot on her arm. "Good morning, Hayate. Good morning, Fate-chan. What happened to your arm?"

Fate opened her mouth, fully intent on ratting out Hayate's foul play and explaining the likelihood of unknown side effects arising. "Geez! It's nothing, just forget about it!"

Nanoha wasn't the only one surprised by that answer, Fate was equally confused by what she had just said. The brunette gave her girlfriend an odd look and tried again, "Are you sure? It looks like you hurt it somehow."

In defiance, Fate stopped rubbing her arm and folded them over her chest. "I said it's fine. Stop worrying about me!"

"Well... okay." Nanoha wasn't really sure how to proceed. She hadn't seen Fate act like this before. "Are we... still on for our date tonight? You didn't forget, did you?"

"Of course I didn't forget. Who do you think I am?" She huffed.

"I don't think I'm entirely sure... Are you really feeling alright, Fate-chan?"

She walked up and placed the back of her hand of Fate's forehead. This caused her to flare up red and knock her hand away quickly. "Geez! Enough already! I'm going to class. I'll see you later." With that, she turned on her heel and marched off to class.

Nanoha turned to the shorter brunette and tried to get a read on her expression. "Do you know something about this, Hayate? What's gotten into her?"

"I have no idea." The questioned girl replied with a shrug. She was, of course, lying.

Throughout the school day...

"Boooriiing! We're skipping the school part. It'll just drag on!" Hayate said, flipping the scene off into oblivion.

Ahh umm, ok then... Ahem! Back at the Yagami residence...

"What did you bring the story back here for?" Vita asked from her place on the couch across from Hayate. "Now no-one gets to see what they do in their date. Kind of a poorly thought out experiment."

"Are you just gonna keep looking down on your master?"

Vita shrugged. "You could have at least let the reader find out what happens."

"Well there's no need to worry about that because I have the scene right here!" She says, waving a folded bunch of papers.

Hey, wait... where did you get that?!

"You left it lying around."

It was at the end of the story where it belonged! It's the ending scene!

The brunette sticks her tongue out towards the author. "Yeah, Well I needed to see how it turned out, so I borrowed it."

You know what? Fine. Just read it so we can move on.

"Alright let's see here... Fate's tsundere all day, blah blah blah... Nanoha doesn't understand her behavior, blah blah blah... Ah ha! Here they are on their date!"

She cleared her throat several times and began to read, "That evening they met at the restaurant..."

...just as they had planned. After her behavior that day, Nanoha was surprised to see that Fate was the first one there. Truth be told, she was surprised to find her there at all.

Upon returning home, Fate had discovered that she was a little more sane when she was apart from Nanoha. She was actually able to say what she intended and had complete control over her actions. She remembered that they had promised to have a nice, formal dinner together so she got dressed up in her best, but was unable to keep from muttering things like, "It's not as if I'm doing this for you..." as she got ready.

She had arrived at the restaurant and was shown to their table about fifteen minutes before Nanoha arrived, the whole while feeling that strange spark welling up inside her with every passing minute. It culminated upon seeing Nanoha glide over to the table with the grace and beauty of a model, shoulders bare in a strapless, white and blue dress.

She sat down across from the blond, who was clad in a sheer dress of black and gold with a slit up one leg. Her smile was intoxicating to Fate. "Good evening, Fate-chan. You look lovely."

"Yeah." Fate mumbled in embarrassment, "You look nice too. I guess..."

"There you go again." She sighed. "Can't you just be honest and tell me I look nice? Or that I don't?"

Fate grimaced. "It's not that you don't..."

Nanoha rapped her fingers on the tabletop. "Then what is it? I know there's something wrong, Fate-chan. I just can't figure out what. Is it me?"

"Of course there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect."

The brunette blushed and swept a lock of hair behind her ear. "You don't have to go that far, you know?"

"Eh?! Y-you're wrong!"

"I'm wrong?"

"Yes! I didn't mean it like that!" She puffed her cheeks indignantly.

Nanoha could only stare in confusion. "Fate-chan, you're not making any sense."

"Don't get the wrong idea. It's not because I like you or anything!"

Mentally, Fate was trying to figure out what in the world compelled her to say that. She didn't have any idea, but whatever it was, it was quickly growing stronger.

"Like? But I thought you loved me, Fate...?"

At the blond sprang to her feet and slammed her hands on the table. "Dummy! Don't be stupid! I definitely don't love Nanoha!"

She stormed off to the bathroom in a huff, but the author doesn't like generic extra characters so not a single head turned at the commotion. Nanoha was left sitting at the table, head resting in her hand, too confused to be upset.

"What in the world is going on here?"

At that moment, she heard her phone ringing inside her purse and reluctantly answered it. "Hello? Look, it's not a good time to..."

"Nanoha-san... It's about Testarossa."

"Eh? Signum? Is that you?"

"WHAT!?" Hayate immediately stopped reading the scene and her head snapped towards the direction of the hallway. "SIGNUM!"

From down the hall could be heard the sound of a door slamming and several different locks being done.

"Oh no you don't! There's no way I'm letting you ruin my experiment! OPEN THIS DOOR!" She was already down the hall and pounding on it.

A call came from the other side. "It's already too late! Just let it go!"

"Not a chance!" Hayate stormed to the kitchen and stared at the phone. "When did this happen!? Tell me when! Yeah, I mean you!"

What?! I don't know! It's not like I timestamp these things!

She glared defiantly at the author and then back at the phone. "Fine, then we'll do it the harder way..."

Through force of will, Hayate started turning back the hours. The clock hands spun backwards as she waited for the moment when Signum would appear in front of the phone.

Suddenly, there she was, phone in hand and about to speak to the person on the other end.

"Don't you dare!"

"Master Hayate?! How did you...? When...?!"

"Drop that phone, Signum!" She leaped at the pinkette who defiantly held the phone out of her reach.

"Never! I won't let you ruin this for them!"

They heard a faint voice through the receiver, "Hello? Look, it's not a good time to..."

"Nanoha-san!" Signum shouted desperately at the phone, refusing to give in to the brunette's tickling. "It's about Testarossa!"

"Signum, is that you?! What's going on!?" The voice on the line said.

Hayate switched tactics and plunged and hand down into the front of the woman's jeans, quickly plunging two fingers as well. "Drop the phone, Signum!"

"No!" Nanoha heard her shout.

"Was that Hayate?!" She pressed the phone hard against her ear, straining to make out what they said.

"Nyyyaaaa! Na-Nanoha-san! There's not much t...time! She's... got me! Ahhhnnn!"

"O-Ok! What about Fate-chan then?!"

"...fault! It's... Master Hayate's fault! She made Testarossa into a tsun...tsundereeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Signum dropped the phone as she came, but her message had gotten through. She fell to the ground, begging Hayate to stop.

"Signum you've ruined everything! I've no other choice... I'll just have to write the ending myself!" She whipped out a keyboard and attempted to take control of...

Wait just a damn minute! You can't do that!

"And why not!?" She said to the author.

Because this is supposed to be an experiment! You can't write the ending because that would defeat the purpose! You're supposed to watch and find out the outcome. Making one up yourself isn't how science works!

She made a series of begrudging grumbling noises.

Besides, wasn't it your goal to see how Nanoha would react? Who knows what she'll do with that information!? So just relax and keep reading. Alright?

"Oh alright. I guess you do have a point." She sat back down on the couch. "Maybe there'll at least be sex. Let's see... where were we, Vita?"

"Phone call." The little russet offered.

"Right right, well let's see." She cleared her throat again. "Nanoha closed her phone..."

...and slipped it back into her purse. 'So Fate was turned into a tsundere?' That sounded exactly like the kind of thing Hayate would do. 'Still... this could be fun. If that's her game, I wonder how long it'll take till it wears off?' She stood from the table and proceeded to meet her girlfriend in the bathroom. 'But if her thoughts are still the same as always, she'll still want me... only she can't say it. If I push hard enough, maybe she'll break? Fufufu... this _will_ be fun.'

Vita and Hayate exchange a glance and an audible gulp. She reads on.

Nanoha walked into the room and found Fate leaning against one of the sinks.

"Eh? Nano..." But she barely managed that before the brunette dragged her by the wrist down to the last stall in flung her in. She fell to sitting on the toilet lid as Nanoha latched the door behind them.

She still didn't give Fate any time to speak as she leaned forward and ensnared her with a kiss, deep and lavish, with her tongue forcing its way into the blond's mouth. She held her there for a long time, a hand pressed on either side of her face as she played, before pulling away and making sure to leave a strand of saliva hanging between their lips.

"Nanoha... what was that all of a sudden?" Fate tried to draw further back, but there was nowhere for her to go.

"What's wrong? Didn't you like it?" There was a mischievous gleam in her sapphire eyes as she stroked Fate's arm.

"I... I don't know." She lied, looking away.

"Hmmm, I think you did. I think you loved it."

"Geez. Will you just stop!?" She went to push the brunette away, but had both of her hands seized, and the girl leaned ever closer.

She ghosted her lips across her girlfriend's. "I will, if that's really what you'd prefer."

"Just... do what you want..." Fate had her eyes locked on Nanoha's strawberry-painted lips.

"What I want? That's a tempting offer... I think I want to do... Fate-chan."

The ruby-eyed girl swallowed audible. She didn't try to resist as a hand slipped into the slit in her dress and crawled up her thigh. Fingertips brushed at the fabric of her panties just enough to be noticed and walked back down her inner thigh again. Nanoha only raised an eyebrow at the blond's series of strained expressions. She continued her fingers' spider charade over Fate's skin without any sign of moving forward. Her digits crept up one leg, then the next, but she refused to touch her center. Fate was biting her lip to the point that it nearly drew blood.

"Is something wrong?" The brunette nonchalantly asked, letting her other hand begin the same game on the exposed skin of Fate's cleavage.

"Stop..." She whispered.

Nanoha's hands froze and Fate became even more flustered. "No, not like that!"

"But I stopped."

"But I wanted you to stop stopping!"

"Fate-chan's still not making any sense." She shook her head coyly.

"You know what I mean!"

"No. I don't." Her voice was hard and firm as she gazed up at Fate from where she knelt on the floor. "If you want to be fucked or sucked or bitten, you have to say it properly. Otherwise I won't know what you want."

"I just can't... you dummy!"

"Then I guess we're done." Nanoha said as she stood to leave, but Fate grabbed a few of her fingers.

"Inside..." She mumbled, her eyes downcast.

"Hmmm? Inside what?" She coaxed.

"I want them... inside me..."

"Want what? Look at me and tell me clearly."

"You can't have both!" Tears had nearly started to well up in Fate's eyes. Clearly she was fighting hard against whatever had a hold of her.

"Okay. Then tell me what you want."

The blond drew a great, shaky breath and pulled her girlfriend's hand to her dress. "I want you to put your fingers... in my pussy... and stir me up inside. Or something like that..."

"Geez... I guess that'll do."

Nanoha pulled Fate's dress up enough that she could reach her black, lace panties and slipped them to the side. She worked three fingers against Fate's already sodden pussy until they were accepted and dipped them in to the knuckle. Fate's legs rose and wrapped behind Nanoha's back, forcing her to lean over so that their lips were again inches apart.

"Do you want a kiss as well?"

"It's... it's not like I care, but I guess you can if you want to."

The sapphire-eyed girl smiled sadly and complied. She spoke against her lover's lips with practiced ease, "Can't you just be honest with me? You enjoy having my fingers wiggling inside your pussy... don't you Fate-chan?"

Fate bit her lover's tongue defiantly, but Nanoha wouldn't be deterred. She kept up her oral assault, flitting her tongue all across Fate's teeth and gums. It pulled skillfully at the blond's muscle until the war was being held in her own mouth instead. Despite how she tried, the ruby-eyed girl couldn't pull away.

Her pussy was being stirred up by her girlfriend's fingers, just like she'd asked, but as good as it felt, she couldn't will herself to admit it. From inside, she could feeling them curling up into her g-spot even as she herself clamping down tightly on them. Fate shut her eyes tight and tears really did stream from them this time, as she came, shaking and moaning, and crying loudly enough that somebody in the restaurant would have cared if this had been any reasonable story.

Her head slumped against the brunette's shoulder in exhaustion.

"See? I know you loved that." She winked.

Fate spoke between ragged breaths, "It wasn't that good. Dummy..."

Nanoha puffed out her cheeks indignantly and...

"Hold on." Vita said suddenly and this made Hayate look up from her reading.

"What? It was just getting good."

"It'll take forever like this." Vita said, going to fetch something from her room.

"What are you going to do with _that_?" Hayate asked.

But Vita didn't listen as she walked to the edge of the room and started looking through the story's pages. She must have found the one she wanted, because she announced that she'd be right back and disappeared. A few minutes later she waltzed back into the room, stretched out on the couch and gestured for Hayate to keep reading. She did so...

Before Nanoha could snap at her stubborn girlfriend, they heard a familiar voice from the stall beside them.

"Oi, you two!" Vita called, standing on her tiptoes on the toilet lid in order to see over the wall into their stall.

"Vita?" They said in unison, once more too confused to feel any kind of disdain for being interrupted.

"I've got something for you two."

She handed Nanoha an item that she took without really thinking. It was a midnight blue feeldoe (It's a real thing. Look it up.) and Nanoha turned it over several times in her hand.

"Why this color?"

Vita shrugged. "First thing that came to the author's mind. Anyway, it's an apology for Master Hayate's meddling. I'm sure you know how to use it. Later!"

With that, she hopped down and disappeared. Nanoha looked between Fate and the toy several times.

Fate stared nervously back. "You... you wouldn't..."

"Ordinarily, no. I wouldn't do it like this. But you're being completely unreasonable so I really don't have a choice." She leaned against the wall and hoisted her skirt up to her waist, quickly slipping her white, lace panties aside and spreading her lips with her fingers. "Lick."

The tone she used was so commanding that Fate shuddered visibly and got on her knees without another word. She gave Nanoha a few tentative licks before the brunette got tired of waiting and yanked her by her hair. Held in place by Nanoha's arm, Fate could do nothing but lick at her pussy and hope that she let her free before she started to have trouble breathing. The taste of Nanoha's pussy filled her mouth and did a little to overcome her tsundere side with a surge of pure lust. Apparently her love for eating out her lover was too strong for even science to deny, so she lapped at the brunette's lips and clit until sweet nectar was running down her throat. That's about when Nanoha pulled her away.

"But I...!" She fought and fought, but still couldn't admit to enjoying what she had been doing.

Even at Nanoha's prompting, she could only scoff and shake her head.

The brunette's expression went hard. She closed her eyes as she slipped the small end of the toy snuggly into her pussy, letting the blond watch the display. "From the front or behind?"

"Eh?"

Nanoha repeated the question. "The... the front." Fate managed.

"I see. Then lean over the toilet and stick your ass out this way."

"Wha!? But I said!"

"I heard what you said. Now do it."

Fate continued her obedient streak with evident reluctance, looking back at Nanoha with her hands holding herself up on the toilet lid.

Nanoha worked her dress up out of the way and flung her lace panties to her ankles. She had to step one foot out of them when the brunette pushed her feet apart so she'd be low enough. She kept on watching as the sapphire-eyed girl spit on the dildo head and worked it around with her hand.

"I sure hope you're wet enough." She said, positioning the toy at Fate's entrance and slamming it in to the hilt.

Fate gasped aloud and threw her head back. Nanoha worked her way in and out several times, marveling at the ease.

"Fate-chan took that really easily!" She laughed, "You must have been absolutely dripping. Did you really get off on eating me out?"

Fate's speech was punctuated by her lover's pounding hips. "You're wrong! It's not like I'd get wet from something like that!"

Nanoha grabbed a handful of her hair and made sure that every thrust shook the flesh of her ass. "Just be honest with me!"

"Too much... way too much! I'm... I'm gonna cuuuuuum!"

The dildo froze where it was, buried to the hilt in her pussy and she let out a cry of dissatisfaction.

"What? Didn't you tell me to stop?" She said evenly.

Fate's voice was barely a whisper, "I don't care..."

"What? I couldn't quite hear that. Did you say we were done?"

"I don't..."

"Hmmm?"

Fate clenched her hand into a fist and punched the toilet lid so hard that the brunette jumped in surprise. "I don't want it to end like this! Please fuck me, Nanoha! LET ME CUM!"

She wasn't about to let a cry like that go unanswered. Fate wasn't even sure what had happened until Nanoha had her on her ass on the toilet lid and had once more plunged the dildo in to the base. Their hips met with a fleshly slap and Nanoha gripped Fate's thighs to pull herself in harder and harder. She thrust up into her blond lover until a pair of legs held her in place from the back and Fate screamed her name at the top of her lungs.

She sobbed and plead and apologised as Nanoha lifted her and switched them around so she was sitting in the brunette's lap and clinging to her for dear life.

"Nanoha... I love you, Nanoha... I love you so much..." She sobbed over and over again.

"I love you, too. Welcome back, Fate-chan."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I put you through all that, Nanoha! It was Hayate, she...!"

Nanoha silenced her with kisses and sweet, whispered words. "I'm sorry too, Fate-chan. I didn't like being mean to you like that."

The pair of them laughed and hugged and kissed some more. "It's been some day, hasn't it? Would you prefer to just go home?"

Fate blushed deeply, but this time she knew she could say what she wanted. "No, I... I want to keep going. Just like this."

"Nyahahaha! Alright then. If that's what you want..."

000000

"Well I think that experiment was a complete success!" Hayate said, putting down the papers.

"Wait, what?" Vita looked over at her. "You're gonna end it just like that?"

"Well, yeah. It would just be a bunch more sex positions at that point."

Vita looked down at her feet. "Yeah, but... I like the sex."

Hayate laughed openly. "I know, I do too! But this ridiculous story has gone on long enough." Seeing Vita's face, she added, "Oh don't worry, there will always be more in the future. And now, a few words on behalf of our author!"

I can do it myself, you know. You really don't need to.

"Oh it's no trouble."

Hayate pulled out a note card, coughed several times, and began to read, "Thank you all so much for reading this far, especially if you followed the whole Birthday Bundle. As I explained, I wrote or finished most of these pieces just yesterday. It's been serious fun and a giant undertaking. Therefore, I'd like to give a heartfelt thanks to my best friend for beta-reading, details, suggestions and anything else I asked for during this insanely ambitious project."

Vita pulled out another card when she had finished. "Again, thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoyed everything because I know I had a lot of fun making this stupid piece. If enough of you actually enjoyed it, I don't think I'm entirely against doing another one. This has been hellsespada1's first crack fic and single biggest undertaking, at least... till next time."


End file.
